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©2017 BY DEBBIE FORTH, LOVE COACH

How do you Trust?

What is TRUST?

Trust is both and emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Nice thought, right!Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. A general belief system you have formulated based on PAST experiences - so you logically expect. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.We feel trust. Emotions associated with trust include companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation, comfort.

How can TRUST be the foundation of a relationship? Understand the different levels of trusting and put into action (which may include stepping out of your comfort zone or testing your faith muscles) steps to achieve the desire Trust with your persons.

Different Levels of TRUST!

Just because someone says "I Trust You" does NOT always have the same expectation (meaning) for each of you. This can be eye awakening.

 

Trust with PREDICTABILITY: (I call trusting with no faith) It is a normal part of the human condition to be constantly forecasting ahead. We build internal models of the world based both on our experiences and what others tell us, and then use these to guess what will happen next. This allows us to spot and prepare for threats and also make plans to achieve our longer-term goals.The greatest unpredictability is at 50%; a reliable enemy can be preferable to an unpredictable friend, as at least we know where we are with them.Predictability Trust: means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur. If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can "hope" create a safe present and an even better future.

 

What happens if predictability becomes fear based trust? Can being hurt in the past keep you "stuck" in having negative predictions for trust in your life?  

 

Trust with VALUE EXCHANGE:Most of what we do with other people is based around exchange, which is the basis for all businesses as well as simple relationships. At its simplest, it is exchange of goods. I will swap you two sheep for one cow. A parent exchanges attention for love. Value exchange works because we each value things differently. Value Exchange Trust: means making an exchange with someone when you do not have full knowledge about them, their intent and the things they are offering to you. Yet, you see a value in something they have to offer.

 

Trust with DELAYED RECIPROCITY:Exchange is not just about an immediate swapping of cows and sheep or hugs and kisses. What makes companies and societies really work is that something is given now, but the return is paid back some time in the future. The advantage of this is that we can create a more flexible environment, where you can get what you need when you need it, rather than having to save up for it.Trust now becomes particularly important, because otherwise we are giving something for nothing. The delay we have placed in the reciprocal arrangement adds a high level of uncertainty which we need to mitigate through trust.What is often called the ‘golden rule’ is a simple formula for creating trust. ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ It sets up the dynamic for my giving you something now with the hope of getting back some unspecified thing in the indeterminate future.Delayed Reciprocity Trust: means giving something now with an expectation that it will be repaid, possibly in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

 

Trust with EXPOSED VULNERABILITY: When we trust other people, we may not only be giving them something in hope of getting something else back in the future, we may also be exposing ourselves in a way that they can take advantage of our vulnerabilities. In order to truly trust, to fall in love and share an authentic relationship, one must share their most vulnerable moments. To share mistakes, fears, insecurities and even deepest of secrets with exposed vulnerability.Although the threat of retribution or projected feelings of guilt can counteract your temptation to abuse my exposed vulnerabilities, if you succumb I still get hurt and may still end up with the shorter stick. For these relationships to be successful, I must be able to trust that such agonies will not come to pass.Exposed Vulnerability: Trust means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting (praying, hoping, keeping faith) that they will not do this.As you can now clearly "SEE" - Trust has different variations and meanings. The key is to understand each value to your relationship, define what it is you need to do to improve your trust in the relationship, communicate through any fears or predictable trust issues and put the effort into allowing TRUST to be the foundation.


 

 

 

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